You and Your Aging Parents: Understanding Different Stages of Elder Care

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Aging is a gradual process and care needs change gradually over time. An awareness of the stage your aging relative is in now, and the stages that may lie ahead can help both you, as caregiver, and your elder family member successfully plan for upcoming needs.

The First Elder Care Stage: Some Assistance May be Needed

You may find it difficult to accept that an elder loved one is beginning to need assistance. This realization can signal a change in the roles you play in each other’s lives, and this can be a difficult adjustment.

You may instinctively try to ignore the signs that changes are taking place. However, it's important to recognize when some assistance is needed. This will help you to find the right solutions and will ultimately reduce stress for everyone.

Aging brings natural physical changes. Their onset can be very gradual and may include:

• Increasing fatigue
• Aching joints
• Reduced vision
• Hearing loss
• Memory loss
• Sleep pattern changes
• Greater susceptibility to illness

Signs that help may be needed. Watch for a change in housekeeping or personal standards. Older people won't usually drop lifetime habits unless they have real reason to do so. Mail may pile up or there may not be enough food in the house.

How you can help. Your elder relative's need for assistance may be minimal at this point. Older adults are also protective of their independence and your relative may appear to resent your 'interference'.

• Be supportive but respect your relative's right to make his or her own decisions.

• Encourage regular vision and hearing tests and check that any prescribed eyeglasses or hearing aids are in good condition.

• Discuss the help that is needed and review how much you and your family can do. Be honest about the limits.

• Share information with your elder relative about possible minimal assistance options. These may include:

  • An outside cleaning agency
  • Help with gardening or odd jobs
  • Assistance clearing snow or ice
  • Delivery services for food and drug store items
  • Telephone bill-paying options

• Check the home for safety and discuss potential hazards with the elder person. Ensure that lighting is adequate and that traffic areas are kept clear of cables, wires and loose rugs. Remember to check exterior lighting and make sure entrances and pathways are free from hazards.

How you can plan for the future. Although it may be difficult at first, it's important to open a discussion with your elder relative about future needs and options. This will ultimately lead to greater peace-of-mind for everyone.

• Begin to talk about future living arrangements. Ask if your relative has ideas in mind.

• Discuss the future financial picture. Does the older person have savings or investments? Has she or he designated power of attorney?

• Discuss the outside support options that may be available if needs increase.

• Check that wills are up to date and suggest a living will so their medical care wishes are respected in the event they are incapacitated.

• Make sure you know where all important papers are located.

Stage Two: There is an Important Need for Assistance

This stage may come as the result of gradual decline or may be precipitated by sudden illness or accident. The causes can be physical or cognitive.

It can be a stressful period for all concerned, and particularly for the primary caregiver.

Faced with increasing responsibilities, you may wonder how you are going to cope and worry about your older relative's well-being.

This is the time to take advantage of all the help that is available. With the best will in the world, you can't possibly do everything yourself.

How you can help. It’s important that you have all the facts at hand at this stage. Talk with your elder relative's healthcare providers to gain a clear understanding of both current and potential future needs.

• Talk with your elder relative about the new needs. Be supportive and positive and stress that life doesn't have to come to a stop.

• Discuss the support you can realistically provide. Be honest about limits.

• Share information about outside support services.

• Review living arrangement options and financial consequences.

• Meet with other family members to discuss needs and determine how much assistance they are able or willing to provide.

• Continue to respect the older person's right to make his or her own decisions, providing that their choices don't involve health or safety risks.